Dandlioneyes is engaged in a familiar struggle � whether or not to stay in academia. She has asked how those of us with careers managed to stay home with a child.

First of all, if you want to do it, it can be done. And second, for every working woman I know who has done this, the solution has been different. The process is incredibly individual.

For me, the child gave me a convenient excuse to make a change and helped clarify some questions I�d been having about my career. I discussed the reasons for this in great detail in this entry, so I�ll try not to repeat myself too much here. If you want to read about how I arrived at my decision, click the link. For now I�ll focus on dandlioneyes� question.

Here�s the good news: Had I decided to return to the working world immediately after maternity �leave� (I had to quit my job in order to get it, so it wasn�t really a leave per se), I would have found a situation that would have worked for me in one way or another. I was amazed at how easy it was to negotiate kid time with my potential employers. This was due, in part, to my having a good reputation in my field (people were willing to try to make me happy) and also to the fact that I had a very clear idea about what my priorities were. For me, becoming a mom was like being struck with a lightning bolt of clarity. Suddenly career decisions that I�d been agonizing over for months became very obvious. It wasn�t hard to push for a kid-friendly schedule, a space for nursing, etc. because I was totally willing to walk away from the table. The family was doing fine without my paycheck. What did I have to lose?

More alarming was the issue of childcare. Despite being well paid for my field (albeit in the not-for-profit sector), I would have been spending nearly two thirds of my paycheck on childcare alone (it gets cheaper as they get older � with a small baby, you�re pretty much limited to one-on-one care). The economics of it didn�t make sense. More importantly, I just wasn�t interested in handing off such a small child to a virtual stranger for such a large percentage of his day.

Had I been working in academia, I would probably have decided to adjunct for a while before jumping into a full-time job when AJ was small (and I may still try that approach). It would both give me some experience off the tenure clock and allow me to control my schedule. And, since my husband is a freelancer who works at home, it would most likely have allowed me to avoid outside childcare (I�m not against it in principle, but it�s hardly affordable on an adjunct�s salary). Once he�s in school, it should be relatively easy to negotiate a schedule that works for our family.

That said, the women I know who have tenure-track jobs and are hoping to start a family are really struggling. Some advise that maternity leave can be used to extend the tenure clock. But I have a good friend who already has tenure whose department chair has all but told her not to have children. She and her husband are in the process of adopting and she�s been unable to discuss it. She is disturbed to find she is working in a culture where she has to pretend she doesn�t want to be a parent. Even as a graduate student, I have found that there are many hidden prejudices against female students being parents (the taboo does not seem to exist for male graduate students). Departmental activities are heavily clustered in late afternoon and early evening, meaning I have to make a choice between a presence in my department and being home for my kid after school. And it is telling that although more than half of the professors in my department are women, only one has children. Despite the academic calendar, this is not looking like an especially family-friendly business.

But as I said at the beginning, I strongly believe that if you are committed to making it work, you will find a way. I am constantly amazed at the creative solutions my friends have found. One friend quit her corporate design job and works freelance from home now. Another, a social worker, after giving birth to two severely autistic children has become a professional lobbyist for autism services. A third organized the moms in her workplace and started an on-site daycare. Another works at home three days a week; her husband does the same for the other two days (they do have a nanny, though, or they�d probably never get any work done. Still another, an academic administrator for a college, has her kids in a daycare on campus. She commutes to school with them and they are able to have lunch together almost every day.

And dandlioneyes, if I may make this observation, although it is clear you are torn by the decisions you need to make, you�ve been extremely clear about where you stand on the issues. Go back and read your entries on this subject and tell me you don�t know exactly what you want. I knew too, but it was really hard to admit. It felt weak to say I wanted to stay home. I have been working my whole life for a career I have always wanted. How could I give it up to be a stay-at-home mom? Wasn�t that giving up? Was I selling myself short? Was I fearful of failure?

Honestly, the hardest thing for me was learning to have respect for the work I do every day. I still don�t love the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry, but I�ve learned to take satisfaction in it, rather than be embarrassed by it (mostly). Still, it�s easier to place yourself into society when you have accomplishments that society recognizes. No one�s going to pat you on the back for having a particularly successful evening cheering up a sick kid (except, of course, the kid, whose opinion should matter most) in the same way that they do for a successful grant application or a thoughtful paper. Women today are caught in a double bind. On the one hand, there are my single friends who in their thirties are feeling totally marginalized for not being married or mothers. On the other, there are those of us who are married and mothers. Those who stay home with their kids feel marginalized for not having a definable impact on their communities. Those who work feel guilty for all the time they�re not spending with their kids. Few if any seem totally comfortable. Ultimately I was unable to find personal satisfaction within the confines of my home. But at the same time, I am worried that I�ll be feeling equally dissatisfied when I pick up my briefcase and walk out the front door.

0 people said it like they meant it