The craziness of the last couple of weeks continues, but I'm handling it a little better, thanks to my sainted husband who, in what he swears was a desire for self-preservation, held me at gunpoint (metaphorically speaking of course) and forced me to go on a picnic with my family in a beautiful park on a beautiful day yesterday. After dining al fresco, AJ and I raced down the hill to a big pond with his net, where we proceeded to fail utterly in our attempts at catching frogs. But it was worth every soggy toe.

Despite his efforts at my rehabilitation (a project that he suggests is for the good of all humanity), when the going gets tough, I find the pet peeves start piling up. I am thinking that he may find this useful at a later date, in case he completely gives up on hopes of rehabilitation and decides that his only recourse is to get me to committed to a mental institution. So here it is: how to make Harriet even crazier.

1. Contrary to popular belief, it does not make me crazy to leave the bed unmade. That's merely the mark of someone with better things to do. If you really want to make me nuts, do a half-assed job. Pull the covers up but make the comforter crooked. "Forget" to straighten the pillows. Leave a blanket tail sticking out of the side. If you really want to put me over the edge, make the remote control into the middle of the bed, preferably between the blankets, not on the bottom, not on the top. Repeat as necessary.

2. Start by volunteering to make dinner, so that I will be feeling grateful enough not to complain about anything. Make a colossal mess. Wash the dishes, but not until late at night. Under no circumstances should you wipe down the stove or counter. Leave the splatters of grease and sauce to harden into a thick layer of cement by morning. When we sit down to dinner, make sure to leave all the cupboard doors open (and I do mean all), then feign surprise when I get up and shut them with thinly veiled hostility, smothered by a sense of ingratitude. Make a similarly transparent attempt not to laugh.

3. When you put things away, make sure you do so in such a way that the cupboard or closet doors close, BUT NOT QUITE.

4. When you listen to a CD, make sure you put it back close to its original location, but not in the right place. Ditto for books, although it is more effective with CDs, which are organized alphabetically by genre.

5. Move the kitchen table to a slightly different location three times a day.

I'm thinking when I head to the tailor this afternoon, that I should order a custom fitted straitjacket to save my husband time and energy later. Because I'm thoughtful that way.

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