This morning when I opened my New York Times, I was shocked to find two full pages taken up by a Lifetime Television ad complaining that Dish Network had removed Lifetime from its lineup with a headline that reads in giant capital letters, TAKE BACK YOUR LIFETIME. One page of the ad encourages Dish Network subscribers to switch to cable. The other is a letter to the CEO of Dish Network from fifty prominent women and women�s organizations, including the Ms. Foundation, YWCA, Y-ME, and the like. At the top of the list is Gloria Steinem. Gloria Steinem?

Ms. Steinem, I�ve been a supporter in the past. I graduated from your alma mater. I shook your hand after you received an honorary degree at my graduation and I was thrilled that you were there. I even own a couple of your books. But Ms. Steinem, with all due respect, have you ever SEEN Lifetime? The letter you signed claims that �By removing Lifetime as an option�millions of women will not get the inspiration and support they need and deserve on vital issues such as breast cancer, heart disease, violence against women, economic equality and more.� This sounds like a terrible thing, but I fail to see how denying me access to Lifetime is denying me anything more than access to poorly acted melodramatic soap operas thinly disguised as �ripped from the headlines� real life drama and reruns of B-grade sitcoms featuring cartoonish women characters. But don�t take my word for it. Let�s check out their website to see what�s on today. Tonight�s prime time schedule includes an episode of �The Golden Girls,� an episode of �Will and Grace,� and the following made for TV movies (descriptions quoted verbatim from the Lifetime website):

A WOMAN HUNTED
Director: Morrie Ruvinsky
Year film was made: 2003
Genre: Thriller
Stars: Alexandra Paul, Linden Ashby and Michele Greene

A young mom just out of drug rehab is desperately trying to get her life together and regain custody of her daughters when she finds herself being accused of murdering a professional athlete. Can she duck the cops long enough to gather the evidence needed to prove her innocence? Stay tuned to find out!

and

THE WRONG GIRL
Director: David Jackson
Year film was made: 1999
Genre: Drama
Stars: Barbara Mandrell, Zoe McClellan and Jonathan Scarfe

Steve brings home his new girlfriend, Kelly, to meet his family. Steve's mother, Angela, has a bad feeling about Kelly, and her fears are realized when things take a deadly turn for the worst.

Now, tell me again why I am being oppressed for missing this programming. And may I also remind you that Lifetime is the channel that regularly runs that dreadful made-for-TV movie about your undercover stint as a Playboy bunny where you are played by KIRSTIE ALLEY???

Don�t you have something better to do, Gloria?

Moreover, it�s not like our pathetic excuse for women�s programming (whatever that means) is even being reduced. Dish Network has replaced the two Lifetime channels with two other channels marketed for women. These channels show real movies. This feminist would rather watch Meryl Streep in House of the Spirits than Kirstie Alley in A Bunny�s Tale any day of the week.

A better use of your time might be to investigate why networks think women want to watch such insipid fare in the first place. Get back to me about that and then we�ll really have something to talk about. Maybe I�ll even pay for a page in the New York Times to run your expos�.

17 people said it like they meant it