I�ve been finding it increasingly difficult to write here, of late. I suppose it�s one of those inevitable lulls that happens when you try to write something day in and day out year after year. But it�s also combined with the usual late-winter blahs, which are compounded this year by my less than stellar health and the horrific stress I�ve been putting myself through in the service of trying to finish the dissertation. Such stress is, of course, completely counterproductive. I�ve been feeling paralyzed as if, like Penelope, I work all day and then unravel everything I�ve done each night. I think a break would probably help, except that taking time off sends me into an absolute tailspin of panic. I�m feeling the walls closing in. I need to get my head in a better place so I can see this for what it is � a good thing. It means I�m almost done.

Ugh.

AJ has also been in a funk. He, however, is attempting to cure it by thoughts of his birthday, which, as you would know if you could see the countdown he�s got going on his chalkboard, is in 48 days. He�s having his first real party this year with friends to invite and he�s decided that he wants to go bowling. Yesterday we took him to the local bowling alley to check it out. It was, unfortunately, too crowded to actually bowl, but we walked around and inspected the other parties taking place and blew a few quarters in the arcade. AJ had a stunning round of luck with one of the machines that spit out 150 bonus tickets at him. He came home with a red white and blue superball with a star on it and a tiny stuffed puppy holding a Valentine�s heart that reads �I love you.� Such prizes, a serious step up from the usual stale Tootsie rolls, almost made up for the lack of alley time.

Today we went shopping for his friend ZE�s birthday, which is this weekend. I was proud of my boy who managed to pick out a very cool present for his friend and not complain too much when he didn�t get any toys himself. He�s trying so hard to be grown up, but it really is a lot to ask of a four year old to go to a toy store and not get any toys.

As infuriating as he can be with his four-year-old tendency to argue with every single thing I say, he has been exhibiting occasional displays of maturity and kindness lately that are lovely to see. Today at gymnastics he tried to comfort a boy who was crying because, as AJ put it, �He missed his Mommy.� Later in the class, when he had to wait for his turn on the trampoline, instead of yelling at the kid in front of him to hurry up like most of the rest of them were doing, he stood by the edge and shouted, �Good job! You�re doing great!� Sometimes I think the key to raising AJ is to stay out of the way and try not to mess him up.

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