spynotes ::
  June 30, 2006
Horticulture

Poor AJ had a tough swimming lesson this morning. It started out well for both of us. He was enthusiastic and, since no other kids showed up for a lesson, I took the chance to swim some laps while he worked with his teacher. But he is the stubbornest kid around (RS said something to the effect of, �Hmm, I wonder where he gets that?�), so when he decides he doesn�t want to do something, there�s very little anyone can do about it.

In theory I really like this trait. I know that he won�t let himself get pushed around. In practice, however, it means a lot of arguments. And lately, he seems to be taking lessons from Johnny Cochrane. He can out-negotiate just about anyone. It�s our own fault. We taught him well. In the throes of the worst of his eating strikes we started bribing him with promises of dessert if he ate a good dinner. So now, when we tell him dessert is not an option, he issues idle threats: �If you don�t give me dessert, I won�t eat my dinner.� To which my response is always, �Well, then you�re going to be very hungry.�

I feel strongly that AJ�s stubbornness is not caused by any real problem with what we ask him to do (although his refusals at swimming class are genuinely based on fear). It�s about agency. He wants more control and we haven�t quite figured out how to give him some. At the end of class, his teacher asked him to jump off the side of the pool at the four foot mark (he�ll do it at the two foot mark) into her arms in the pool. He refused. We pushed. He started crying. We gave him a chance to calm down. We proposed a deal. He proposed another one. Finally we came to a compromise where he would jump off at the 2 ft mark but promised to work with me so he could do it at the 4 ft mark by the time of his final lesson 10 days from now. Of course, this means a thousand more negotiations on the way.

I know plenty of parents who feel negotiating with one�s children is not acceptable. It�s definitely not the easy way out. But I also feel like AJ deserves a chance to be heard. There are, of course, times when I have to lay down the law. But I want him to feel like he has some control. I would like him to learn to swim. But ultimately, he needs to decide he wants to. You can lead an AJ to water�

Along with AJ�s finely honed negotiating skills comes the loss of that old parental stand-by, �Because I said so.� �That�s not a reason, Mommy,� he says in a hurt voice as if my tired and aggravated response insults him, which, in fact, it does. And there is no one who understands reason better than AJ. If only he understood my reason.

8 people said it like they meant it

 
:: last :: next :: random :: newest :: archives ::
:: :: profile :: notes :: g-book :: email ::
::rings/links :: 100 things :: design :: host ::

(c) 2003-2007 harri3tspy

<< chicago blogs >>