spynotes ::
  July 20, 2006
I'm gonna steal her eye

I seem to be digging out of my funk. This morning found me dancing around my bathroom in a towel listening to Beck�s �Girl.� This is the perfect song for me at the moment. Its light, flippy music sounds like summer but its lyrics? Something dangerous. And definitely elliptical. Also, it has a wacky, out-of-key, guitar riff � it sounds like acoustic 12-string in the middle of a song that�s defined by electronica, a rough, rhythmic strum in contrast to the cool smooth synthesized beat � right in the middle. The contradictions suit my current psychology. The happy music makes me keep dancing as the rain pounds on the skylight and the thunder explodes outside. I play the song three times in the row, remaining in perpetual motion, even after the towel has slipped to the floor.

I had planned a morning at the library, but the weather, all wind and hail and endless water, has kept me home. I dropped AJ at camp in his bathing suit and sunglasses, the picture of hopefulness. It has not stopped thundering since I woke up this morning. Instead I am trying to piece together the parts of my life that I dropped a couple of weeks ago out of frustration and exhaustion and embarrassment over the state of my work. I have not cut my hair since December. I have not made the appointments I need to keep. I have not returned the messages in my inbox. I have not found my plans for building an ark, for staying afloat in the torrential rains that are falling off the eaves in great vision-blocking sheets. AJ will come home dry in his bathing suit. I am still dripping in my summer dress.

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