Yesterday, fairlywell commented that, �the more I hear about pregnancy and the weird uncontrollable things that happen, the less of a good idea it seems. Although that must be part of it, eventually thinking it IS a good idea even with the weirdness.�

Actually, fairlywell, I think that the weird uncontrollable things are preparation. Because as weird and uncontrollable as they are � those bizarre urges for absurd food combinations and bland television programs, the sudden abhorrence of that which was formerly benign � there is nothing more weird and uncontrollable than a baby. Nothing.

I also think that everyone should get the chance to experience what it�s like for your body to take on a life of its own. I spent a lot of mornings during my pregnancy staring at my naked self in the mirror. I was fascinated. Every day there was something different. I was mesmerized by my sudden total lack of self-knowledge, the disintegration of years of kinesthesia. And then one day as I watched, I saw my belly move in a wave. And I knew that I had nothing to do with it. It was humbling, especially for a control freak like me. But it was also an important lesson in parenthood, although I didn�t think of it that way then.

I�ve always been much more mind obsessed than body obsessed. I�ve generally thought of the latter as more of a vehicle for the former than anything. But it is an odd thing to not quite recognize yourself on sight, to have no idea, when asked to put your hands on your waist, where exactly they will land. It�s disorienting - dizzying, even. I think many women are horrified by this sensation, but I liked it. I found it kind of exhilarating. Suddenly the most familiar had become the least recognized, an inescapable strangeness. My own body was a foreign country for which I was not entirely sure I owned a passport.

So, fairlywell, I think that it�s not just a matter of thinking it�s okay even if it�s weird. I think it�s best if you can embrace the weirdness. You need something like a desire for travel, those itching sensations that send you to the ads in the back of the Sunday Times magazine or the travel section, paging through descriptions of beaches and mountains and apartments in Paris. This trip, however, is much more expensive and only comes with one way tickets. Or you could look at it like this: it�s a vacation from which you never have to return.

I think I can safely say that no single event in my life has changed me like pregnancy. I am a different person than I was before AJ was born. A better person, I think. And some of that is due to AJ. But some of it was the pregnancy itself, which brought home to me how much I don�t know about even the things I know the best, how many forces are beyond my control, and how even the most reliable things can change in an instant.

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