spynotes ::
  February 09, 2006
If I only had a brain

I will begin this entry with an apology. What follows may be a little fuzzy. My brain wants a nap. I spent a little too much time this morning with preschoolers. Actually, it�s not the preschoolers so much as the small talk with the parents that numbs the brain afterwards. I don�t mean to sound petty. I actually really like this people. But we�re very different and I find I have very little to say because we just don�t do any of the same things. And while I find it fairly easy to jump into conversations about scrapbooking and other crafts � I can appreciate the artistry and skills involved � I can�t offer much in return. No one is really interested in my archival work or conference papers (hell, I�m barely interested in it sometimes). And I�m pretty sure these women are not interested in hearing me go off on another feminist rant. But that�s what my blog is for!

Yesterday�s post about Judith Warner�s essay and the need for new feminist models provoked some interesting responses. You should check them out in yesterday�s comment section. Many important things have been said and I�d like to respond to a couple of them.

First of all, f-i-n�s comment (�I�m never having kids. And a lot of people don�t understand that, but it�s my life�) pointed out yet another issue that I failed to mention (as did Warner). Because of my own experiences wrestling with issues of work and motherhood and self and family, I haven�t talked about those women who choose not to have children. They are perhaps even more outside the current structure in some ways. Feminists ignore them because they so entirely reject the social structure. The right casts them as morally suspect, because they are not living up to their expected roles. About the only people who seem to advocate this approach to life are ZPGers.

I totally understand and respect those who choose not to have children. I strongly believe it is not a job for everyone, regardless of the messages we get from society at large (and the current administration in particular). The fact that recent feminist ink has been so trained on the other side of the equation should not be so surprising � women trying to incorporate traditional gender roles into their lives are the ones everyone�s worried about. But the fact that this group of people has been so utterly ignored is just another good reason why we need to think about multiple models for a �happy and balanced life.�

Elgan and Claudia broached different sides of the child care issue. Elgan stated that she �didn�t have children so someone else could raise them.� Claudia responded that neither did she, but that doesn�t mean child care wasn�t part of the equation. Child care does not equal parenting.

I suspect the two of you are not so much at odds as it looks at first. I would be very surprised if you did not both agree that child care is not parenting, that putting one�s child in some form of child care does not automatically make you a bad parent, that parents need to pursue their own interests as well as those of their children.

I don't think anyone has children because they want someone else to parent them -- at least I hope not (surrogates aside). For more and more families, double incomes are necessary to stay afloat (or in the case of single parents -- just one income will do it). But regardless of what is necessary, as Claudia said, some of us think childcare is important for other reasons. I gave up a career to stay home with my son, but I found the need for more intellectual and social engagement than baby-minding alone would offer. I needed part time child care to help me pursue my own interests. Not doing so would have made for a totally crazy harriet and a one resentful parent.

Of equal importance in the decision to put AJ in part time child care, is the fact that AJ needs time with other kids -- he doesn't get that at home -- and also other adults. We used to live in more interactive communities or larger family units. Kids used to grow up with lots of aunts and uncles and cousins around. They used to play outside with other neighborhood kids. They used to know their friends parents as almost second parents. That doesn't happen so much anymore. Moreover, stay-at-home parents seem to think we are supposed to spend every second of every day with our kids. Although I was never in any kind of regular child care growing up, there were a hell of a lot more babysitters parading through the house than AJ has ever seen. The same can be said for most of his friends. Kids are so scheduled into a million activities from such a very young age now that parents seem to spend an enormous amount of time chauffeuring them around. There is a sense of a need for constant supervision.

It may be true that kids need more supervision now than they used to (although I�m not convinced that it is). But in any case, I don�t think it�s healthy for either AJ or myself for all that supervision to be done by my husband and I. Like Claudia, I think it's crucial for kids to grow up with multiple adult viewpoints as well as lots of time to interact with other kids away from my watchful eye. I am a crutch for AJ sometimes. When I�m there, he tries to get me to solve his problems with other children. He needs some time with other kids, but without me so he can figure out how to handle things. He also needs to learn that other adults have rules too. As he grows up, I�ll also want him to have other adults that I trust that he can confide in � his teachers, aunts and uncles, whoever. Because sometimes it�s just hard to talk to your mom and dad. I want to know that there are other people to help him out if he needs it.

Right now every woman I know is feeling guilty about some aspect of her work-family interaction. The child free are feeling like they�re copping out, even if it�s what they want to do. They are getting a tremendous amount of pressure from all sides to be parents (particularly if they are married). The stay-at-home moms are feeling guilty for not working, for becoming an antiquated stereotype. The working moms are feeling guilty about not spending enough time with their kids. And these are the women who are the lucky ones with lots of choices. I�m not even talking about the many women whose situations leave them without some of the options I�ve mentioned.

I�m sure there are some who have figured out that �happy, balanced life� � It sounds like Claudia may actually be one of them, so perhaps she should be writing this entry. I guess my point here is that I feel like contemporary feminism is missing the point. In their obsession with the analysis of an antiquated model they seem to be ensuring that it stays in place. I am tired of railing against stay-at-home moms for letting down the feminist movement. I�m equally tired of the idea that women need to do everything. And don�t even get me started on backlash. I want the feminist movement to endorse multiple choices to reflect our myriad situations. I want a feminist movement that supports my friend who chooses not to have children and also myself who has a kid in part time childcare, my neighbor with six children who stays home with them and my other friend who works full time (as does her husband) and still another friend who is a single parent by choice. And the elderly single woman down the street � who�s taking care of her?

I�m feeling now like I�ve wound up right where I said I didn�t want to be, with Warner�s hand-wringing. I want a society that allows women to make the choices they need to make without penalty. I�m not sure that I can even define it any more specifically than that, although things like child care and benefits and flexible working situations would be part of it. I still don�t think the government is the answer. They simply can�t legislate (nor do I necessarily think they should) the kind of detail that is needed. The family leave act, for example, did not help me out at all because the place I worked was too small to be eligible. Want maternity leave at a place like that? You�re fired without even the benefit of severance pay. Think COBRA helps women who leave their jobs? Think again. First, who can afford it; and second, even if they could, it doesn�t last long enough.

And now, after that half-assed response, let me change the subject entirely and introduce you to my new favorite website, the Music Genome Project. You need to set up a free account to use it, but the site lets you type in the name of a musician or song and it will set up a playlist of things it thinks you�ll like based on your input. The playlist will include both songs by the musician/band you typed in and others it thinks are similar. So far it�s been fantastic. I keep trying to stump it with obscure things, but it consistently turns out tunes I like. I�m learning lots of new-to-me tunes and bands.

4 people said it like they meant it

 
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