I spent a good chunk of my afternoon at the library working on my conference paper. I�ve been panicking a bit, because I really pulled this topic out of my ass. It�s based on my diss work, but it�s not anything I�ve written about in my diss. In fact, it�s something I�ve actually skirted around, just because it�s part of a series of subjects that have been written about by others. I�ve been focusing on filling the massive gaping chasms in the written history first before going back to the other stuff. I�ve also been panicking because the scholar who�s chairing my session is someone whose work I respect immensely. She�s a name that may draw an audience. And she�s meticulous. When I gave my first post-hiatus paper in Seattle a couple of years ago, she asked a lot of questions � good questions, complex questions, hard questions. So I want to do my best.

But the funny thing is, I discovered I could write a pretty fair draft more or less off the top of my head with a ridiculous number of citations of my own work. It�s funny because I don�t usually feel like much of an expert on anything (although my husband would probably argue with that, as he regularly accuses me of having �male answer syndrome�). I remember being dumbfounded by my teaching evaluations last year when I discovered that seven of my students, in their written comments, had called me �extremely knowledgeable� and several others something along those lines. I don�t feel extremely knowledgeable. I�m painfully aware of how much I don�t know. But despite my amazingly protracted diss process, there is nothing else written about this. So although there�s still a lot I don�t know, I still know more about it than most people. The paper I�m giving is linking my work to present-day issues. It has the potential for selling my dissertation as a book, for giving it relevance. I want to get this right.

[Second entry today; click back to see how I made my kid sick.]

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