My brain is slowly being taken over by the Nyquil that is seeping into it, so I will have to write fast.

AJ and I walked home from preschool today, because it was freakishly warm and sunny -- a good 30 degrees warmer than the day before. On our way, we were stopped by a policeman. I'm still new enough to suburban life that my instinct when encountering an officer of the law is still to make excuses or run like hell. But in fact, all he wanted to do was to hand us a big plastic bag for trick-or-treating, emblazoned with pictures of Frankenstein, jack-o'-lanterns, black cats and gravestones above the distinctly non-threatening words "Compliments of the [insert small town here] Police Department."

It wasn't until AJ relinquished the bag that I discovered a list of helpful Halloween hints on the reverse. Here are some safety tips for Halloween, courtesy of the Small Town police (punctuation and grammar have been preserved):

SAY NO TO DRUGS!

SAFETY RULES

1. YOUR PARENTS SHOULD INSPECT ANY TREAT BEFORE YOU EAT THEM!

2. Mask holes should be large enough to see through easily

3. Use a flashlight to let drivers see you and to see where you are going.

4. To avoid tripping, don't wear costumes that are too loose or too long.

5. Reflective colors should be used so drivers can see you after dark.

6. Walk on sidewalks or as near to the curb as possible.

7. Observe safety rules when crossing or waling on streets.

8. Do not put bag over head!

9. HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

I might add that if one observed the preliminary suggestion of saying no to drugs, one might not have a need for rule number 8.

Having observed a few Halloweens in my time, I would like to suggest a few additional rules:

10. Do not trick-or-treat on a skateboard.

11. If you must trick-or treat on a skateboard, do not do so on your stomach. On a steep hill. Going very fast around a blind curb. With no helmet.

12. Do not take your sister�s candy.

13. Because I said so, that�s why. Also, she has a mean left hook.

14. If you are going to ding-dong ditch the scary neighbor�s house, make sure the scary neighbor�s scarier Rottweiler isn�t hiding in the bushes BEFORE you ring the bell.

15. Rottweilers like Reese�s peanut butter cups.

16. So do German Shepherds.

17. If someone takes you up on your offer to �Trick-or-treat, smell my feet,� run like hell.

18. DO NOT EAT THE BAG!

0 people said it like they meant it