I�m feeling very off-kilter with the new schedule, the marathon commutes, the additional work. I never feel quite like I can be sitting down and I constantly have that nagging feeling that I�ve forgotten something, even though, so far it seems to be just a feeling. Still, heading into day two of my class, I�m feeling more relaxed and confident. The first three classes are the hardest to teach � there is less structure inherent in the material. I hope I�ll be agonizing less about the details as I go.

It�s funny, but as a student you tend to think of a given meeting class as an object that is pre-formed. As a teacher, I certainly have a plan. I carry ridiculous outlines around with me to make sure I don�t forget anything that I mean to say. But from a teacher�s point of view, a class is a much more dynamic object. I feel more like a cook than a writer or disciplinarian. I bring the ingredients and recipe with me, but I�m never entirely certain in what condition I�ll find the oven. And really, it is the oven that makes all the difference.

I take my responsibility to communicate information, stimulate ideas and encourage clear thinking and writing very seriously, but the pedagogy � my culinary technique � I�m learning as I go. And I�m learning that sometimes it�s the ingredients you leave out that make all the difference. It�s easy to fall into the trap of wanting to give a class all the information you can, but what�s much more valuable in the long run is for you to let them discover as much of it for themselves as possible. I�m finding that the most difficult thing for me is to relinquish enough control to allow that to happen.

Today I�m committed to spending less time obsessing about my class and more time working on my thesis and preparing my conference presentation for this weekend. Strangely, the multiple tasks are making me calmer. I feel more competent, not less. And I�m feeling like I may get a handle on this juggling act of writing, teaching, lecturing and parenting. Now I just need to get used to not seeing AJ for hours at a time. As usual,he�s handling it better than I.

0 people said it like they meant it