AJ refuses to stay in bed this afternoon. He is coming up with all manner of excuses not to take a nap, even as he stands rubbing his eyes and yawning enormous yawns. He will regret it if he gets up too soon, however, for I will subject him to an afternoon trip to the post office and the dry cleaner and Kinko�s and the drug store. He�ll be begging for a nap after that excursion. It�s almost guaranteed.

I have spent the afternoon ticking small things off my list of 1001 things to do before I go to Atlanta and worrying large amounts over things that don�t deserve it. Things like the format of my c.v. And the organization of my job application files. What I am really doing is making any human contact about the jobs for which I am applying. I SHOULD be emailing my contacts at the universities where I have contacts. One of the great advantages of being older than many of my fellow almost-Ph.D.�s is that I actually have a pretty good network. The problem is, though, is that I seem to be at a loss as to what to do with it. I know that I should, for example, contact those horn players at my current first choice location (hereafter known as Big U.) who were among my biggest supporters at my orchestra job. I know they think highly of me and I know Big U. thinks highly of them. It would be so easy to send them an email and say, �Hey, do you, by any chance, know anything about this job that might help me tailor my application?� but for some reason I haven�t been able to do that today. I will write that email before I turn in tonight if it kills me. I�m not really sure what I�m afraid of. That it might help?

Actually, there�s a lot to make me nervous at this point. I�m not really afraid that I won�t get a job. It�s not that I�m that sure of myself -- I think there�s actually a very good possibility that I won�t get a job. It is rarer and rarer these days that someone in my field gets a job off an application made before the diss is defended already. While the rejection might hurt my pride a little, it certainly shouldn�t hurt my career in any way and I�m sure I�ll get over it. No, what I�m afraid of is the possibility that I DO get a job. Or that I don�t finish the diss on time. Or, worst of all, both. I�m terrified of the interview process, which, in academia, is completely nuts and usually involves at least two full days and an army of people. I have to try hard not to think of it as an interrogation. But I really shouldn�t be worrying about this before I�ve even got my applications out the door. Besides, at least so far, interviews seem to be my strong suit. I�ve never NOT gotten a job for which I�ve interviewed. Usually the hard part is getting the interview in the first place.

I feel like I�m emerging from a shell in which I�ve spent a little too much time. I fell all red and raw and am not at all certain my skin is tough enough to handle what lies ahead. I hope next week�s conference helps me toughen up.

And now AJ has appeared at my elbow and is demanding snacks and entertainment. Duty calls.

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