K. arrived looking a little more bleary-eyed this morning, at which she confessed she can only drink decaf coffee because she has �anxiety disorder.� Is this something I should be alarmed about? But what is the point of alarm, really, because the fact is either my husband or I is in the house almost all the time. Besides, I�m prone to a bit of alarm where babysitters are concerned in general. Perhaps I�m the one with an anxiety disorder.

Although I do have to say that I got a tremendous amount of work done in the four hours K. was here yesterday. Not only that, but I was not totally blitzed at the end of the day. Instead of running down to my office to work until I dropped after putting AJ to bed � what I usually need to do to accomplish anything at all on any given day� I was able to hang out with my husband and watch North by Northwest (one of my all-time favorite movies). It was quite a treat. We�re both thinking that we should have done this a lot sooner.

My head is so scattered today � I need to stop worrying about everything and get to work. My fragile routines are unsettled by having another in the house. I am worried about AJ. I am feeling like a guilty mother who doesn�t deserve the free time, even though I know that is ridiculous. Also, I am worried about finances, as I am every June and September when the unfortunate coincidence of quarterly taxes, property taxes and health insurance premiums make for monthly bills in the five figures. We plan for it. We have it. But it always stresses me out to watch all that cash moving out of our account, even when I know a check for nearly the same amount should be arriving within the next two weeks. I miss the routine of a regular paycheck with taxes deducted in advance. It�s horrifying to have to look at just how much money goes to this government I do not support on almost any level.

The continued rain is contributing to my cloudy mood. We were promised sunshine. Where is it?

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