�No.� says AJ.

�NO.�

�NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!�

Currently he is saying it to K, but it could be any of us. Who knows to what he is responding. She could be suggesting that they go to the playground or that he eat raw liver. The answer would be the same.

AJ is patently opposed to anything at the moment. I really hope he gets over this soon. He�s making all of us, himself included, miserable.

rs536 wisely pointed out that if he weren�t difficult I probably wouldn�t be happy with him. I try to remember that when he begins screaming at the top of his lungs, trying desperately to be heard in a world that generally doesn�t recognize that he exists. Who can blame him?

My response to such stimuli, however, tends to be the opposite. I prefer to melt into the walls, to disappear against the background so I can move at will in stealth. There are times when I find AJ�s courage to yell inspiring, even as I am ready to throttle him. So much conviction in so small a package.

� � � � �

I made a fantastic discovery for my dissertation yesterday. I found actual film footage of one of the groups I�m researching performing with a major ensemble under a major conductor. Moreover, it�s footage of one of the two events I�m writing about in the paper I�m giving in the fall. It�s not like this footage was hiding � it was cataloged and everything. It was just in a place I didn�t think to look. I won�t be able to check it out before next week. I can�t wait to see it, to see these people I�ve been reading about for months in action. Film of this era is rare. This is potentially a very important piece of information for my work.

Did I mention how much I love archival work? When I started graduate school, I would have thought it was the last area that would suit me. I like interacting with people. I like creative projects (at one point I�d considered graduate school in some combination of conducting and composition rather than the more academic side that I chose). Working with dry, dusty manuscripts didn�t seem at all appealing. But I love the constant discovery, the constant refinement of one�s ideas based on newfound information. It keeps me honing my skills. I get to feel like a detective. And, in fact, social behavior is helpful, because it allows you to put together personality profiles from scant information in order to try to second guess, for example, where a certain individual might have deposited personal records. I seem to have a knack for the work, as my hunches almost always play out, giving me a perverse pleasure in retreading the steps of the fictional detectives I adored as a child (Harriet the Spy, of course, and Encyclopedia Brown, Sherlock Holmes, et al).

As for creativity, it�s very nearly as satisfying to assemble a story from diverse sources as to write one yourself. It appeals to both the storyteller and crossword puzzler in me.

The only thing I don�t like about archival work is that it takes a long, long time. Isn�t this project done yet? Most of my friends think I�m crazy for tackling this type of project as a dissertation. But if not now, when? I suppose this is evidence of my own conviction. And yes, it sometimes makes me miserable too.

As L. reminded me just yesterday (and lately in most of our conversations), the only good dissertation is a done dissertation.

This will be my mantra.

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