I am sitting at my desk listening to Samuel Barber�s Summer Music and tripping back to a summer more than a decade ago that I spent studying music in France. I�m not usually a particular fan of wind quintets, being a string player myself, but this one is particularly evocative. It helps that the first time I heard it live was echoing through the halls of a French chateau. There are a few pieces that manage to simultaneously recall events of a particular place and time and, through their artistic construction, accurately reflect my corresponding emotions of that time with adequate depth. This is one of those pieces for me. In my next life I think I�ll play the oboe and learn this piece.

My mind started wandering onto the subject of this kind of musical-emotional subtext after reading odalisk�s recent entry on her CD-buying binge. The combination of Machaut and P�rt that she purchased struck me. P�rt�s Stabat Mater is evocative and calls up a particular time when I was performing that piece, but it doesn�t offer an accurate reflection of me at that time, so it hasn�t stuck in the same way as the Barber. But Machaut�s Mass is a different story (the motets to a lesser degree, mainly because their more intricate nature made rehearsals and performances of those pieces more technically and less emotionally oriented). I�ve had the privilege of conducting Machaut�s Mass on a number of different occasions and each time it has been transforming. Something about that work seems to get at my emotional core, a taut thread vibrates through me, I know with certainty just how the piece must be performed. The typical phrase to describe my experience as a conductor with this piece is that I �lose myself completely,� but that really doesn�t get at what it feels like; in fact, it�s almost the exact opposite. The piece resonates so strongly that I feel at my most �me� when I�m performing it. Csikszentmihalyi�s �flow� offers a much more exact description.

I miss conducting dreadfully. I have had to give it up in order to be a parent and finish my Ph.D. But it is the one activity that best engages everything I love to do. I would love to be a choral conductor for the rest of my life, but unfortunately I have one great liability. Having no idea I would end up going in this direction, I did not have the foresight to take piano lessons early in life. My piano skills are adequate for study and for getting through warm-ups, but not nearly adequate enough for what most choral jobs require.

In the mean time, I am taking out my frustrations in exercise. Inspired by rs536, and spurred on by the closing of the pool for the winter, I put on my new running shorts and my old New Balance shoes and went for my first run this morning. I was totally embarrassed to try running where someone who knows me might see me, so I drove to a local forest preserve where mine was the only car in the parking lot. As it turns out, this place had a lot more to offer than privacy. The scenery was spectacular, there are a lot of small hills to practice on and, since the trails are unpaved, it was a lot easier on my wimpy, plantar fasciitis-ridden feet than the road. I stretched and then walked a little way before attempting to jog. Let me point out that for months I have been swimming for at least an hour five days a week, biking five or six days and doing yoga every night. I�m not exactly out of shape. But running kicks my ass. I ran about 1/8 of a mile before I returned to a walk, pumping my arms in the goofy power walk way in order to keep my heart rate up. I continued in this manner for several miles of prairie and woodland wilderness before calling it a day and heading back to the car. I learned several things. 1. I suck at running. 2. I walk almost as fast as I run 3. I REALLY suck at running. This is going to be a long winter. But at least I loved getting out in the woods by myself. Although I don�t love the activity like I love swimming, I think I�ll like it enough to keep myself in shape this winter. And hopefully next time will go a little better.

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