Today has not got off to the most promising start. To begin with, AJ woke me up several times in the middle of the night, apparently because he was bored. I blame the sugar overload from yesterday. And I received a less than encouraging critique of my Latin exam. This is neither surprising nor undeserved, but it�s discouraging nonetheless, and has sent me into a funk that is holding me back from my work.

Since the exam grader is on my committee who expressed concern about my progress (or lack thereof) on the exam, I took a chance and replied with a description of the time constraints I�m working with. I�m a little nervous about my choice to do that, as it might be misinterpreted. I�m not looking for sympathy. I just want to finish and I want to finish as quickly as possible. I was asking for advice on the best way to do that, as clearly my current approach is not working.

I�m nervous about having been so honest, mainly because I feel I might be admitting ambivalence about the degree and an unwillingness to let it intrude excessively on my life. If you had to choose between finishing your dissertation and helping your kid grow up, what would you choose? Yeah, I thought so. But of course, this is not a choice I have to make. Nor should the kid be an excuse for not doing my work. Actually, it�s the kid/commute combo that�s killing me. If I lived out here and had no kid, it would be more manageable. Likewise if I had the kid and lived closer to the university. As things stand, I simply can�t do things at the same rate as most of my colleagues. I�m comfortable with that. My thesis advisor is comfortable with that. But I�m not so sure about the rest of the faculty. And I keep wondering if a male student in my department were in this situation if he would be having an easier time, whether because he�s actually cut more slack or because he cuts himself more slack.

I know I keep coming back to this topic of gender inequity in academia. I really don�t sit here obsessing about it in a general sense � my concerns are mostly self-motivated. But when looking something up on my department�s website yesterday, I was alarmed to discover that my program, which used to be close to evenly divided between male and female graduate students now has just about twice as many male students as female. Are things actually getting worse for women here?

I want to emphasize that my current inability to accomplish things at the same rates as my grad student colleagues is not an issue that will effect me as an employed person. I will not allow it to. I will not accept a job I am not willing to do to 100% of my capacity. But when you�re not getting paid (or are getting paid a pittance), there are more limitations. Even when teaching, I will not be making enough to even cover my commute and child care � not by a long shot. Sad, but true. I am paying for the privilege of teaching. And the reality of the situation is that the spouse who makes the money gets priority in work time. It�s the only way we can survive. Does that mean I�m less serious about my career? I don�t think so. But I�m sure it looks that way from the outside. I�ve always been at the top of my class. I�m not moving down without a fight.

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