AJ: Hey, do you want to play �Handicap Closet?�

D (AJ's friend): Sure! How do you play?

AJ: Uh�Tag! � you�re it!

* * * * *

For the record, I have absolutely no idea how to play Handicap Closet. I do know that the word Handicapped, like the word Employees, is something AJ sees on signs everywhere and, despite explanations, doesn�t seem to quite understand. Or, more accurately, he knows what they mean, but the rationale for the existence of either an employee or a handicapped person eludes him. I can�t say that I blame him.

* * * * *

My Christmas shopping is done, although there�s still some wrapping to do, as well as the requisite foul-language-inducing assemblage of assorted products on Christmas Eve after having had one too many glasses of nog at the family Christmas party. But for those of you who are still scrounging around for a gift for that special someone, here are some suggestions*:

Give someone The Clap this Christmas!. Or, if you prefer, acne, syphillus, ebola or, for the less offensive recipients on your list, halitosis, and many more. All are much cuter and cuddlier than you�d imagine. Only $5.99 from the folks at Think.Geek.

Or perhaps you�d prefer to support The Unemployed Philosophers Guild by purchasing some National Embarrassmints in a lovely tin, suitable for gift-giving with a picture of Dubya waving a Bible and a bag of money. Looking for something a little more impressive? How about this musical pillow with a picture of the Last Supper. When you wind it up, it plays �Hey Jude.�

And for the sadistic children on your list, there�s always The Avenging Unicorn play set from Archie McPhee. Particularly good for children who hate mimes.

And finally, although lass has already mentioned this one, it bears repeating that The Sharper Image is selling an animatronic chimp head � now get a discount when you buy two!

*I hope I don�t have to point out that these are not actual product endorsements and I certainly do not receive any compensation for mentioning these products here. I have not, in fact, seen any one of these products in person. But I feel fairly certain that I would be quite happy to find any of them under my tree this Christmas. No money back guarantee. Void where prohibited by law and in the state of Utah. Because I said so, that�s why. No animals were harmed in the making of this diary entry. Thank you and good night.

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