I just went to the website of the realtor listing my grandmother�s house to see the video tour of it. I have been waiting for it to come up, because I always loved that house, even though I�ve only been there a few times � she moved there when I was in college and our family mostly assembles at my mom and dad�s. I was surprised at how sad it made me to see all of her things so carefully arranged and knowing that they are all going to be gone soon. I didn�t think I was feeling so emotional over the whole affair, because it was my grandmother�s wish to move. She made the decision and the rest of us tried to help make it happen. But it�s still hard knowing that it�s a signal that she�s not going to be around forever. My grandmother was always an inspiration, a tower of strength. She has had many difficult things to contend with in her life and has always made the best of it. It�s hard to see her losing her faculties.

I am in desperate need of space to think. I have been overwhelmingly anxious in recent weeks, jittery and cranky. This is due, in part, to the uptick in spring allergens, resulting in more frequent use of albuterol, which always lends me all the personal charm of a crack addict. Another contributing factor is the repeated slamming of my head against the metaphorical wall that is my dissertation. I just can�t seem to get it organized and it�s stalled out my writing in the worst possible way. I know I sweat the details more than I should, when really I should be trying to put it together. It�s not (I hope) the only thing I shall ever write on the subject. I�ve started to panic and have been practicing either procrastination and avoidance or flitting from one activity to the next feeling like I need to do everything at once and failing to finish anything at all.

On top of it all, a job I�m really interested in, in a place I�d really like to be was just posted. The person doing the search is an old friend whom I actually dated for a while my first year in grad school. I don�t know if that makes me a better or worse candidate. It�s an editing rather than teaching job, which appeals to me at the moment, given that my teaching experience is in the somewhat distant past. They�re also looking for an ABD � my friend has not actually finished his Ph.D. yet either. I have been taking the approach that all things should wait until the dissertation is done, but this seems to good to pass up, even though I�m not at all sure I have what they�re looking for. My academic fields are in perfect line with them � they do two areas of study, one of which is my major field and the other is my secondary area of interest. I haven�t done any formal academic editing, however, although I edited a lot of other kinds of musical writing in my last job. I�m trying to get up the nerve to ask my friend about it directly � we don�t keep in regular touch, so it�s not like it�s just going to come up in conversation. The other nagging question, of course, is am I ready to be employed? Am I ready to leave AJ with babysitters for part of the day?

Much soul searching needs to take place. But lately the only time I have to myself is when I�m so dog-tired as to be incapable of any kind of meaningful thought. On top of it all, the wacky psycho dreams just don�t seem to quit. Last night I dreamed that HIV was spreading more aggressively because it was activating dormant viruses left in our bodies by vaccines. No rest for the wicked.

I will attempt to disengage myself from the current morass of self-pity before the next entry.

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