My husband made a point of drawing my attention to the article in today�s New York Times about people obsessed with their blogs (it�s a pretty stupid article, so don�t bother clicking through if you�re pressed for time). I think this was his way of expressing concern about my love affair with my computer. And who can blame him? My computer is adorable, follows me everywhere and frequently sits on my lap. We spend many waking hours together every day. I�d be jealous too.

I think obsession is far too strong a word � I certainly cannot envision myself typing away with my laptop while lying on the beach, as one blogger is depicted in the Times article. But after filling out the honest blogger quiz that is currently making the rounds and also reading the aforementioned article, it certainly seems like I may be a little over-zealous. I have become a bit compulsive about the whole thing, but really, I began the whole venture in the first place as a commitment to myself to write every day, regardless of whether I thought that I had anything to say. It�s an exercise in self-discipline. Unfortunately, it would appear that there is a fine line between self-discipline and obsession.

Truthfully, I had two reasons for starting the diary. One was mechanical � to write daily no matter what. The other was emotional � the desire to negotiate the schism I feel between myself as a wife and mother on the one hand and as an academic and graduate student on the other. I sought integration. I�m not sure the second reason has been satisfied. For the most part, I think, my entries have been devoted to one side or the other. But it is the emotional reason that creates the discipline � it�s the drive to write.

Whether it is compulsion or discipline, writing daily has changed some of my non-writing habits as well. Some are minor alterations � like the increased penchant for keeping my desk clean(er) so I can sit down and go right to work. And, for that matter, the tendency to sit down to write first thing, instead of puttering around with assorted procrastinative activities for a while. Those examples are, I think, good things. But I�m a bit disconcerted about how I seem to think in a more grammatically verbal way. My other obsessive habit is walking, preferably alone, each day. I�ve always used the time to let my mind wander and I usually found myself thinking about sound or color or just observing but not trying to translate those impressions into words. Now I feel like there�s a running narration of my progress, as if at any moment I could lasso my thoughts and spit them out without further processing into the computer or onto paper. I have begun to question my sanity in that area. And also my editing skills.

Mostly, though, it is a relief to write something that isn�t going to be judged the way the rest of what I write is judged, in the often harsh lighting of academic work. I once told rs536 that the diary was �satisfying my inner columnist.� I like being able to consider things that puzzle or interest me without having to force them into a conclusion before their time. I like to have total control and I like to have all the answers. What better forum could there be?

There is, of course, the issue of audience. In the Times article, audience is mentioned several times. The writer mentions a couple of times that some blogs get a lot of hits � �1000 or more a day,� I believe, is mentioned, as it was in the honest blogger quiz. But each of the bloggers denies that audience is an issue. I find that disingenuous. Of course the audience is an issue. I would write even without an audience, but I write differently knowing that there is one and I would likely write differently if my audience were bigger than I do now. Having an audience � particularly a small one, where it is possible to know something about your regular readers � can focus your attention when you need to. It also helps fuel the initial commitment. When I first started grad school, I made a pact with a friend to go to the gym together three times a week. It was the only time I�ve ever been really regular about going to the gym, because I felt that I had a responsibility to someone else. I�m much less responsible to myself than I am to other people. Having an audience for my diary is something like that. Moreover, having an audience that gives you occasional feedback � a rarity for any creative or pseudo-creative endeavor � can change the trajectory, give you new ideas and different things to think about. They can help inspire you to get through the times when you just don�t feel like writing or you don�t think you have anything to say.

But then, sometimes it�s better if I just shut up.

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