What a difference a week makes. With school back in session my morning train was once again a quiet haven, no longer a playground. Before I had AJ I had a bit of a tendency to chafe when inappropriately behaved or located children were staging incursions into my adult life. Now that I�m a parent, I can be more understanding, but often I�m even more peeved. After all, my forays into independent adult existence are relatively few and far between at the moment. Sometimes I don�t want the illusion broken.

As I attempt to finish my conference paper and the diss revision that will not end, I am suffering from ever-increasing attacks of anxiety over my inadequacy. Some time away has helped me be a little more analytical about the problem, but it has not done much to quell my fears. I know that I am my own worst enemy at the moment. Things should be completed by now, but I�m holding myself up, holing myself up with primary sources at the impossible task of knowing everything there is to know while neglecting secondary sources. The thing is, I KNOW I�m the only one who has the knowledge of the primary sources. But I have been living in fear of my inadequacy, isolation from my academic community and just plain ignorance of secondary sources. At this point I need to be concentrating on my command of works dealing with the broader themes of my work. Instead I�ve been allowing myself to hide behind historical minutia.

September often brings a degree of clarity. With the mere flip of a calendar page, I am suddenly able to juggle schedules and to-do lists once again, embracing rather than quaking in fear of deadlines. Still, the deadlines that are out of my control seem formidable. AJ has his pre-school orientation next Friday and after that will attend three mornings a week, which should serve to aid my work considerably. I will also need to be on campus at least once or twice a week this term, which should help with the isolation problem.

Today is my last visit to the archive before I complete my paper and send it out to readers. I have declared it. From here on in, it�s all about finishing. The faster I finish, the faster I can climb out of this hole.

The only good dissertation is a done dissertation.

The only good dissertation is a done dissertation.

The only good dissertation is a done dissertation.

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