I�m a bundle of joy today and cannot write. I have become obsessed with the tragic hostage situation in Beslan. Such things have always seemed terribly sad to me, but somehow remote. But since becoming a parent, I can no longer push such things aside. It makes me feel physically ill to read the news coverage, and yet I keep reading. I can�t stop thinking about those who�ve lost children in such a way. It�s bad enough for your child to be killed but to know that he was terrified, traumatized before death seems like unimaginable sorrow. And what of those children who have survived? How do you help a child who has lived through something the horror of which you can�t begin to imagine yourself, much less explain?

Somehow the horror of this event has become wrapped up in my own worries about sending AJ off to preschool, a sort of metaphor for my separation anxiety. It�s not that I�m worried about him coming to any kind of bodily harm. But I wonder what happens while I�m not around, whether he�s happy and safe, whether he�s being encouraged in his endeavors. I worry that he�s going to experience the same social difficulties I did for reading at an early age. I worry that he�ll let his friends push him around.

AJ�s concerns lie elsewhere. He is mostly worried that the toys in his new classroom won�t be as fun as those in his classroom last year. He�s worried that his friend D. won�t be in his class this year. But mostly, he�s just worried that he won�t be able to wait until Friday to play with the big package of construction paper we purchased off his official school supply list. He already has a big package of construction paper in his room, which gets periodically plundered for assorted art projects, but the new one is much more tantalizing because it is For School.

Most of the many (mostly useless and yet unavoidable) parenting manuals have huge chapters on separation anxiety, all of which concentrate on the child�s concerns about separating from the parents when going to preschool or daycare. But in our house, at least, the real separation anxiety is on the parental side.

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