I lost a contact lens in aisle two of the supermarket this morning and even though I�ve now got my glasses on, I�m still feeling a little wonky from trying to shop one-eyed. There�s nothing like getting behind the wheel of a car knowing that you have no sense of distance. It makes even the shortest trip an adventure.

AJ�s morning also got off to a rocky start. For the first time ever, he cried after I left his classroom. I heard him wailing from down the hall (it�s amazing how fast you can pick out your own kid�s wail over the hundreds of other wails going on at the same moment) and sprinted back thinking he was hurt. He�s been acting rather anxious for the last couple of days, a situation I�ve attributed to his renewed commitment to potty training. We�ve been trying to figure out ways to relax about it, but he�s an intense little kid sometimes and he�s decided he�s going to do it if it kills him. I�m proud of him, but it�s very hard to watch. And I�m working on some rock hard thighs, with all the sprinting up and down to the bathroom we�ve been doing for the last few days.

He spends most of his time these days pretending to be somebody else. Most often he plays bossy girl characters from TV shows or books � Muffy or Francine from Arthur or Lucy from Peanuts. I think he likes the idea of being able to tell everyone else what to do. Boys never act that way in children�s shows unless they are really bad guys. They are thoughtful and sensitive, but never bossy � just like AJ, come to think of it. But what almost three-year-old doesn�t long to be able to make some rules instead of following them? Or, for that matter, what adult?

I remember the all-consuming type of play where you assume another identity. It was both an escape from and a way to connect with the world around me, a way of gaining control of something mystifying and strange. I sometimes think about what avatar I�d choose. While AJ is experimenting and tries on many personalities for size, I like to think I�d be more selective, but I wonder if that is even possible.

As a child I moved around a lot, attending 8 schools in the course of 12 years of elementary and high school. Each time we moved, I thought about how I�d present myself at the next location. I had the opportunity to completely make myself over. I never did, though. I was always pretty dogmatic about being true to myself, even when it meant being pummeled on the playground for having an English accent or being ostracized for reading Proust in study hall. In French. (Yeah, I was pretentious as all get-out).

At this stage in my life, I am concerned neither with being true to myself nor with presenting a good face to the world. I�m just trying to get through it all � I feel like there�s barely time to think between one activity and the next. The shifts from mothering to academic work leave me dizzy due to their vastly different requirements. I watch AJ�s experiments in character development and I wonder if I should be spending a little more time trying something new myself. Sometimes it feels like my present self doesn�t quite fit with my present life. But of course, that isn�t really true. It is, after all, how I got here. Maybe I need to follow my own advice to AJ � to try to relax, to try to be less anxious about having everything fit.

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